What Now?
Couch is a Verb in My Author Era
It’s been about three weeks since I officially entered my Author Era, and it’s hard to summarize the emotional ride I’ve been on. It’s a mix of overwhelming gratitude, a sense of accomplishment, complete denial and disassociation, intense vulnerability, and most of all, exhaustion. The night after my book signing I dropped onto the couch and haven’t wanted to get off of it since.
The months leading up to my publication date were intense. I was still managing all the things I usually do for my family of five, plus overseeing the marketing, publicity, interviews, giveaways, and content for my release, while scrambling to submit my follow up novel by the October 1st deadline and continuing to do some freelance copywriting work. So it really shouldn’t come as a surprise that I got sick and burned out once I was finally able to take a beat. Still, I’ve struggled with feelings of guilt and self-judgement: What’s wrong with me? I just accomplished my biggest personal and professional goal, and instead of floating on a cloud and feeling unstoppable, why do I feel completely aimless and depleted? Why do I not know what to do now?
Then I remembered the summer of 2010. I was 26 and had just moved to San Francisco by myself to get an MFA in Creative Writing. A lifelong Floridian, I knew all of two people in SF and slept on a very generous friend’s couch for two weeks until I found a room to rent on Craigslist. For the month or so before classes started, I found myself mostly laying in bed under a heated blanket, freezing in the old Victorian apartment with an ancient heater, watching every season of Friends on DVD on my laptop while hearing the screech of the California 1 Bus stopping outside of my window every few minutes. Aside from a handful of actual social outings with real humans, the limited people I knew had real, grown up jobs so my big daily adventure was walking to Walgreens to buy more Ramen or Easy Mac or rent the next season of DVD’s from a video store (and yes, an independent video store still existed in 2010).
I judged myself, hard, for this behavior. Who moves cross country for a big adventure and then barely leaves their apartment? I was the perfect example of “wherever you go, there you are.” But later that year I took advantage of the free counseling my grad school offered to students and disclosed my hermit tendencies to a very skilled therapist. Her response surprised me. She said, “I think it makes perfect sense that you needed to give yourself comfort and a sense of home when you’d just made this major life transition. You were nurturing and comforting yourself and that’s actually a really healthy response to change.”
Huh! I was being nice to myself—nurturing and comforting myself during a scary time—and then making myself feel like crap about it! What a revelation!
Remembering this lightbulb moment made me realize these past weeks I’ve been in a similar situation. My book being released has meant putting myself out there in a way I never have—and it’s scary and uncomfortable and exciting and overwhelming. So I’ve needed to couch. I’ve needed to lay with my heated blanket and give myself a sense of safety now that I’ve stepped so far out of my comfort zone. While I understand it’s discomfort I opted into—it’s still discomfort—just like my move was, and it’s healthy to acknowledge that.
So what happens after couch? (As good as Ken is at Beach, I am at Couch.) While I couch I’m working through the answer to this big question. What doesn’t escape me is that it’s the same question most of us run into when we get to our midlife years and the one I was working through when I was writing Annie’s story: When you’ve spent so much time working towards something—what happens on the other side of it? Just like I don’t really know what to do now that my first book is “out there” (other than run it back and do it all over again) most of us probably hadn’t imagined what our lives would look like after a certain age or once we checked off the must-do’s on our lists. It’s nice to have a dream. It’s good to have something to look forward to.
But when I think about my answer to the “what now” question, I’ve realized for me the answer is less about setting a new lofty goal and more about digging in and really appreciating what’s important and beautiful about my life right now. It’s about going deeper. It’s about doing less and with more attention and intention. It’s about putting down my phone and looking at my daughter when she’s telling a story about something that happened at school. It’s about taking five minutes to read a book to my boys at night, even when I’m exhausted. It’s about calling the friend when you think of it or sending that text just because. It’s about getting that date night on the calendar, and making plans with friends and actually keeping them. It’s about writing from the heart and opting for quality and connection over the quantity game of algorithm-feeding content.
The truth is—I love telling stories. I want to keep doing that. And I also want to be present for my real, actual life. For me, writing has always been about understanding. Understanding people. Understanding relationships. Understanding what gives our lives purpose and meaning. So here’s to going deeper and opting out of the pressure to be everything and everywhere all at once. Here’s to enjoying the long game—and embracing our on and off seasons.
So I’m coming to you live from my couch, underneath my heated blanket, saying thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for reading this. For buying my book. For sharing it with others. I’m grateful for any moment of your attention because I know how many things are demanding it at any given moment. I promise I will never take that for granted.
The world is a lot. And if you’re exhausted from all the hustle, consider this your permission-slip to couch when you need to (zero guilt required).
-Kristina
If you’ve read and enjoyed Annie in Retrospect, please leave a review! It helps so much! (You can still leave a review or rating on Amazon even if you didn’t buy it there.)
Attn: Bay Area (Esp. those in the East Bay!) Come join me in Alameda this Thursday, 11/06, to celebrate the launch of an awesome new Zine called Alameduh. I’ll be at selling copies of my book at the event, plus there’s live music by incredible bands, free food, and a local pop up market! 11/6 starting at 5pm at Two Mary’s Mercantile!
Thanks for sharing your process. Great read. Every author can relate. And congrats on doing such a stellar launch to get Annie In Retrospect out in the world. Looking forward to the next book.